I was meant to put my thoughts down yesterday, on my birthday, but here I am a day later. My approach to celebrating my birthday has changed over the years. For a long time, I felt some shyness about; I didn’t want to celebrate it and dismissed its importance. It might have come from a place of rejection and shame about my social network, harmed by bullying in my youth.
Since my conversion, I slowly started to appreciate and celebrate the gift of life that is encapsulated in this anniversary. I found comfort in knowing I was born right after the feast of the Miraculous Medal and on St. Catherine Labouré’s feast day, the associated visionary (& on the feast of Our Lady of Kibeho). I feel a sense of catholic pride in knowing my birthday falls in the month dedicated to the Holy Souls, heralded by the feast of All Saints. I recently discovered other coincidences related to my birth timing, and this adds up to feeling loved by God in His wonderful Providence.
This year, for the first time in a while and a rarity since living abroad, I had the chance to come home and spend my birthday with my parents. Coming back revives difficult states of mind and vulnerability to fear. So, it was not an easy day overall, and this was coupled with some recurring thoughts I have been holding as I am allowing myself to experience my desires for consecration and how to integrate these with my ongoing difficulties.
I have been feeling as if I have sabotaged my possibility to belong to the Lord and that I am somewhat disqualified from it. While in the past I have been able to trust in the Lord’s grace to make it all work, as I tried to foster in previous posts, this has become more difficult to believe and ‘feel’.
Recent Mass readings proposed the wonderful example of the Good Thief. He could have had many a reason to plunge into despair, and feel like his whole life had been wasted – even as he hung upon a cross – sealing his mistakes for good.
On the Cross, in perfect solidarity, Christ placed Himself beside the repentant Thief. He was able to accept the forgiving presence of the Lord and turned to Him in loving trust and total surrender. A life crowned by shame turned into a promise of Paradise and of complete redemption.
It is no longer in my power,
Saint Faustina, Diary, 2
To change, correct, or add to the past;
For neither sages nor prophets could do that.
And so, what the past has embraced, I must entrust to God.
Last night I read the above introductory poem to Saint Faustina’s Diary. Despite her saintliness, she also had to contend with the regrets of the past. She also had to decide to trust in the Mercy of God for her past, her present and her future. It would be far too easy for me to compare with her story and dismiss my ability to trust in the Lord that way. However, doing that would be unjust towards God and His infinite mercy.
I am invited, again, to put my trust in Him. To let go of my emotional perceptions and leave it all in His hands – the good, the bad and the ugly. The many years I wasted in not loving God, the mistakes I made, the poor choices. It is not easy, Lord; therefore, please help me. And thank You, Lord, for the gift of life, the gift of being here, of receiving Your Love and the call to Eternal Life in Your blessed Presence and in the company of all the Saints.
And although I am weak and small, You grant me the grace of Your omnipotence.
Saint Faustina, Diary, 2
And so, trusting in Your mercy, I walk through life like a little child,
Offering You each day this heart
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